Finding Healing Without Losing Your Faith
For anyone who’s ever been hurt by someone in the church, Pastor Trey Sharp has a message: you’re not alone—and there is a way through the pain. Trey, who serves in the Kentucky-Tennessee Conference of Seventh-day Adventists, knows what it’s like to carry wounds from within the church walls. When he shared about healing from church hurt during a recent young adult retreat, it wasn’t from a clinical place—it was personal, compassionate, and grounded in grace.
Why Does Church Hurt Hurt So Much?
“When people get hurt in church, it hits differently,” Trey shared. “This is supposed to be a safe place. A loving place. When that trust is broken, it distorts how we see God.”
He went on to explain, “The Bible describes God as a good Father who lovingly cares for His children. So when we experience hurt from men or women who represent Him, it feels contrary to those descriptions.”
Six Common Ways We Experience Church Hurt
Trey pointed to six everyday experiences that often lead to pain in a spiritual setting. These aren’t always dramatic or abusive—but they’re real, and they leave a mark.
1. Judgment and Criticism
This might look like the silent kind—side glances, whispers, or being constantly evaluated by people preaching grace. Trey noted, “Judgment and criticism” is one of the most common sources of church hurt.
2. Hypocrisy
“We’ve all seen a pretty big example of this,” Trey said. “People say one thing and do another. It’s disorienting—especially when those people are leaders.”
3. Exclusion
Whether it’s cliques, culture gaps, or theological disagreements, exclusion can make someone feel like they don’t belong. Trey acknowledged this as a common hurt, particularly among young adults navigating different church cultures.
4. Conflict and Division
Disagreements in the church can escalate quickly and leave people caught in the middle. “Conflict in the church,” Trey noted, “often makes people want nothing to do with any of it.”
5. Legalism
“There’s a difference between having standards and weaponizing them,” he shared. When rules are enforced without compassion, people begin to associate God with pressure and fear rather than grace.
6. Manipulative Leadership
“Manipulative leadership” made Trey’s list as one of the most difficult hurts to name and heal from. When spiritual leaders use guilt or control to influence others, it can warp someone’s view of God.
Five Steps Toward Healing
To help believers move forward, Trey offered five practical steps—each starting with the letter “R.” These, he said, can be tools for both personal recovery and for helping others.
1. React
“You can’t heal until you own your feelings,” he said. “We’re human—we have emotions. Jesus experienced grief, compassion, frustration, and anger. And that’s okay.”
Trey emphasized that while feelings are valid, they should be processed wisely. “Going on social media and putting your church on blast? Not a good idea,” he said. “Talking to a trusted friend or counselor? That’s a much better idea.”
2. Reorient
“Reorienting means realizing it wasn’t the church that hurt you—it was a person or a group of people,” he explained. “You don’t get rid of a whole car because of a flat tire. You fix the tire and keep going.”
He added, “Healing requires specifics. Hurt grows in generalities.”
3. Realign
“If you’ve been hurt, you need to make some space,” Trey said. “Maybe it means changing your small group or your church, or even taking time to worship privately with a safe group of people.”
But he added a warning: “What realign never means is isolation. Alone with your pain is a dangerous place to be.”
4. Release
“Forgiveness is a beautiful thing—until you have someone to forgive,” Trey said. “But forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It’s something you do for you.”
He shared a story about Corrie ten Boom, a Holocaust survivor, who described forgiveness as letting go of the rope on a bell. At first, the ringing continues. But over time, the sound slows and stops. “Forgiveness,” Trey said, “is learning to let go of the rope.”
5. Return
“When it’s time to return to church, it will require bravery and trust,” he said. “But it will be worth it.”
Whether that means returning to your home church or starting fresh somewhere new, Trey encouraged listeners not to disappear permanently. “Not returning would rob the church of one of its most precious resources—a more refined, wiser, and experienced you.”
What If the Church Keeps Hurting People?
When asked what to do when leadership doesn’t respond to harmful behavior, Trey encouraged wisdom and prayer. “Pick your battles wisely,” he said. “If it’s a pattern of harm, and leadership isn’t responding, you may need to move on. Pray about it. Ask God for a healthier space.”
He also referenced Matthew 18, encouraging people to go directly to those involved and seek resolution where possible—always with grace.
God Is For You
Trey closed with a reminder that deserves repeating: “God is not the source of your pain. He’s for you. He walks with you. And He’s not done with you.”
For anyone carrying church hurt, the road back to healing may feel long. But with God’s help—and honest tools like these—it’s a road that leads to restoration, not just for yourself, but for the body of Christ.
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